I made so much progress this year, I started transitioning, I’m on HRT, almost finished laser treatment on my face, had decent year on CB until i got a step dad.. long story… I started going out trying to overcome all my social anxieties.. visiting a gay bar every now and then where i have people i know “friends”? idk proly not… Visiting concerts alone… Going out much more to shopping mostly alone and to cinema 50/50 alone/”friends”… Even tho the society trying to bring me down as much as possible and push me back into my room by mostly verbaly abusing me and refuse to serve me at shops Im doing “fine”… I learnt how to hide my emotions in past 25 year which is scary as even HRT barely made me feel anything… I still give up things so easy and i chose to not care… In my teen hood i got abused and bullied to hell, i got told 1000 times how ugly im in every possible creative way… they ruined me i had to look strong i had to train myself to not care and take everything life throws at me… I have no idea what kept me going… My mom was with me mostly but we never talked she was just a woman who made me food and took care about basic official stuff and docs etc… I still barely talk to anybody about how i feel… Do i even feel anything? Am i ruined for a life time?… One thing is sure my last 25 year was a hell… wasted life time… the last 25 year made me who im? Sure its filled me up with sadness and showed me a lots of pain… I never had a decent teen hood or such… I had literally no friends and nobody, started being myself in online games about when i was 21 (the 1st time i ever got internet which i payed from student loan) and i managed to not have friends even online… I’m kind of a failure still these days i have no idea how to communicate with people especially in groups, i some what manage 1v1 convos tho… I myself never start a conversation im super up tight all the time filled with anger and rage that my past caused by hurting me in every possible way… Im managing it so far i keep everything in me… I might be strong for dealing with everything by myself… but… what if i lose it? What if i can’t any more? These thoughts scares me… My current situation is quiet shitty as i cant do CB and cant make money to move out or pay for my transition… It’s stress me a lot… I try to stay strong and im still quiet excited about 2017… I just hope i be healthy and i progress more with my transition…
If you made it this far i guess i should thank you for reading all this shit about me… ofc its not the whole story just a small part… I had tears at one point… I guess i can still feel.